


Tell Someone

by QueenOfAllCorgis



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Amputation, M/M, PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-09
Updated: 2018-07-09
Packaged: 2019-06-07 15:52:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15222572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenOfAllCorgis/pseuds/QueenOfAllCorgis
Summary: After a terrible accident Dan is forever changed. Phil learns that he isn’t completely unaffected either. They help each other heal.





	Tell Someone

What’s white, black and red all over?

           The joke jumped into Phil’s brain and he shook his head sharply, trying to focus on the matter at hand. Maybe it was years of dealing with uncomfortable situations by making a joke but this certainly wasn’t the time.

           Not now when Dan lay so pale on the pavement, the black of his clothes in severe contrast with the white of his skin. Then there was so, so much blood. More blood than he ever thought possible.

           “Hey, hey Dan?” His voice sounded strangled as he kept his hand under Dan’s chin, keeping his gaze up to meet his. “Did you know that America had Shrek themed twinkies when the movie came out? I mean, it was the same twinkie but the cream was green.”

           “What?” His friend breathed, teeth chattering slightly. Then he winced and started to look down before Phil’s hand kept his head steady.

           It wasn’t that he was afraid of him damaging his spine (he was) he just really didn’t want to let Dan see how the car completely crushed his leg.

           Phil just tried to keep rambling along about random things, trying to distract himself just as much as Dan. He couldn’t stand to think about how Dan’s breath hitched painfully, how his shirt was damp with blood, or how his hair was matted with it as well.

           “Oh hey, sirens,” Phil felt his shoulders sag with relief and looked up to see people waving the ambulance over.

           “Oh God, you’re bleeding,” Dan mumbled, reaching a red streaked hand to trail along his neck and his red stained shirt. “Phil you need to go to the hospital.”

           Dread settled in Phil’s stomach like a rock. Two paramedics ran up to them, taking in the situation. A young woman gently took Phil by the shoulders and started pulling him back.

           “No, no, no,” Dan wheezed out, reaching for him. “Phil needs to go to the hospital. He’s hurt.”

           “Sir,” A man said softly and Phil blinked, finally focusing on the police officer next to him. “They’re doing all they can. Your friend will be alright.”

           There was a horrible, horrible grinding noise as the fire department started to lift the car and Phil winced violently. The police officer cleared his throat and smiled patiently.

           “Do you need medical attention sir?” The man asked and Phil shook his head.

           “Dan can’t go by himself to the hospital,” Phil stuttered out as the paramedics strapped him onto a gurney. “He’s…he’s scared and confused.”

           “They will take care of him,” the officer said calmly. “I can give you a ride to the hospital if you would like.”

           Phil nodded frantically, pulling on his t-shirt where it had stuck to his body with dried blood. His chest began to hitch and his vision blurred as the officer put a hand on his shoulder.

           “Come now,” he squeezed his shoulder. “Let’s get you to your friend.”

           “I don’t know what happened,” Phil muttered, feeling dazed. “He was fine and then…then he wasn’t.”

~~*~~

**_TELL SOMEONE YOU LOVE THEM – AmazingPhil_ **

****

            _Hi guys._

_Um…so I haven’t been on in a while and…this isn’t exactly a happy video so I apologize for that. Normally I don’t do this kind of thing but I know that it would be better coming from me than from some shady tumblr blog._

_A few days ago Dan and I were walking around London when a car hit him. He was pretty badly hurt and…and he got his leg amputated._

_Obviously this has been really hard on everyone, especially Dan. He’s still recovering in the hospital and he’s hurting. Please leave well wishes, prayers, thoughts, or smoke signals…whatever…in the comments below. I don’t know what to do and I know that this isn’t going to make things better but Dan loves you and I know you love him. We just really need some good vibes or something._

_I’ll try to keep you all updated. Please just….tell someone you love them because they might be gone tomorrow._

_~~*~~_

The first time Dan showed anything other than blankness was three days before he was allowed to go home.

           The doctors seemed encouraged about his recovery and appointments filled up their calendars. It felt like the worst parts were behind them but Phil knew there was so much more work ahead.

           “And I am going to go look at a few other flats this week but I should still be able to-“

           “Wait, other flats?” Dan spoke up, voice rough.

           “Yeah, we have so many stairs. It makes sense,” Phil felt slightly uncomfortable as anger flashed across Dan’s face.

           “No, no, we are not moving!  _This_ -“ he motioned to the bandages under his blankets. “Is not changing everything. I’m not moving to some  _cripple friendly_  complex and I’m not having this….”

           He trailed off into harsh sobs and covered his face, jerking out of the way when Phil tried to rest a hand on his shoulder. He curled in further in on himself and shook.

           Everyone always talked about how big they were in real life but Dan had never looked smaller. He was pale, bruised, and looked thin. The sight of him made something twist painfully in his stomach and he knew he would get sick if he looked down to see the  _nothingness_  that was under the blankets.

           There was nothing he could do.

           There was nothing he could do to make this better.

           This was beyond a cup of hot chocolate and pizza. This was something that was way out of Phil’s control and it terrified him.

~~*~~

**_SHORT UPDATE ON DAN – AmazingPhil_ **

****

            _Hi guys,_

_So…Dan is home which is great. He’s still a little sleepy from the medication and he’s in a bit of pain but he’s here. We got this snazzy wheelchair and apparently British flats don’t have wide enough doors for them so we’ve had to get a little creative._

_It’s been rough but things will get better. They have to get better. Right?_

_~~*~~_

           A crash startled Phil awake and his heart immediately jumped into his throat. Without a moment of hesitation he climbed out of bed and opened his bedroom door.

           For a long moment he just stood in silence before a soft sob met his ears. Phil hurried down the hall and froze at the top of the stairs. Halfway down the steps was Dan, sitting on one step with his back against the wall.

           “Hey,” he whispered and Dan quickly scrubbed his hands across his face, wiping tears off his cheeks. “What are you doing up? I thought you had been abducted by aliens or something.”

           Usually that would have gotten at least a smile but Dan just stared at his hands.

           “Dan?”

           “I needed to go to the bathroom and I thought I could go by myself,” he let out a humorless laugh. “Then of course I fell and…I didn’t make it to the bathroom.”

           “Oh,” Phil blinked. “Are you hurt?”

           Dan finally met his eyes and they were hard and cold. “I pissed myself Phil, because I can’t even make it down a flight of stairs on my own.”

           “It’s alright,” Phil tried to keep his voice calm. “Let’s just get you in the shower.”

           Dan slammed his fist back into the wall suddenly over and over again. He let out a short scream when Phil tried to grab his arm. He tugged his arm hard and Phil tumbled down a few steps, Dan sliding after him.

           “Stop, stop, stop,” Phil panted. “Please, you’ll hurt yourself.”

           “I don’t fucking care!” Dan screamed, trying to twist out of Phil’s hold. “I don’t care! This isn’t fucking living Phil! I can’t walk, I can’t stand in the kitchen to cook, I can’t change a DVD, I can’t go to the goddam bathroom by myself. Christ, I wish that car had finished the job.”

           It was as if someone poured cold water over Phil.

           “Don’t say that.”

           “Why not?” Dan snarled. “It’s the truth.”

           And all those masks Phil put on cracked. He couldn’t keep on the cheerful smile and he couldn’t keep the optimism in his voice. The energy drained out of him completely and Phil broke down. All the fear, sorrow, and pain overwhelmed him and he sobbed.

           “I don’t know what to do,” he choked out. “I…I don’t know how to help.”

           “You can’t.”

           “Do you have any idea what it’s been like living with you?” Phil felt the anger surge through him. “What it’s like to see your best friend wither in front of you? It’s like I’m living with a bloody corpse.”

           “I’m sorry this has been so trying for you,” Dan spat.

           “Stop!” Phil was shouting now. “Stop trying to push me away or whatever! Let me help you! You don’t have to go through this alone.”

           Dan sagged back against the wall and stared at him. “Why the hell are you still here? You don’t have to feel obligated to be my caretaker or whatever.”

           “What?”

           “You should leave me now before it gets worse. This isn’t something that will pass Phil,” he said shakily. “This is my life but it doesn’t have to be yours.”

           Phil scooted closer and took Dan’s hands in his. “If it were me, if I were the one who lost a leg, would you just leave me?”

           “Course not,” Dan whispered.

           “Why?”

           “Because you’re my best friend,” Dan squeezed his hands slightly.

           “And you’re mine. Come on Dan, after all these years we aren’t just flatmates. You’re kind of stuck with me,” a ghost of a smile appeared on Dan’s face. “So, let’s run you a shower and get you back to bed.”

           Dan huffed out a pained breath as Phil helped him up, wrapping one arm around his waist and slinging Dan’s arm over his shoulders. They made it slowly to the bathroom and Phil helped him take a seat on the toilet as he turned on the shower.

           “I hate this,” Dan said softly.

           “Me too,” Phil gave him a small smile

~~*~~

**_THE WHEELCHAIR WORKOUT - AmazingPhil_ **

             _Hi guys!_

_Why in the world did we decide to get a flat with so many stairs? I mean it was a struggle with groceries and walking and whatever but it is such a pain to carry a wheelchair up and down them. I’m getting buff._

_I don’t mind though. I’m happy to help Dan._

_Speaking of! He’s doing pretty well. He had an appointment with the prosthetic guy and got fitted. Apparently you can’t get a llama leg transplanted onto your own. Bummer._

_I was going back and forth about making videos about all of this but decided I had to. There’s something about talking to a camera that removes you from the situation I suppose. I can make jokes or funny voices or whatever and it feels more like an act. These videos might just be the most honest thing I’ve made._

_Dan loves all of you and your kind words are really encouraging. There are bad days but more and more of them are good. Please understand that Dan wants to take a step back from videos and social media. He’s fine with me talking about everything but he’s not ready._

_~~*~~_

           The clicking of crutches made Phil jerk his head up from his book and he let out a breath at the knock at his door.

           “Phil?” Dan’s voice was soft.

           “Yeah?” He kicked his legs over the side of the bed but Dan was already pushing the door open. His friend looked a little pale and shaky but he gave him a faint smile.

           “Um…this is stupid…but can I sleep in here with you?” Dan leaned against his crutches.

           Phil just pulled his duvet aside and Dan made his way over. The familiar ache returned to his chest when his eyes trailed down to see the empty pajama leg. With a huff, Dan slipped into bed and lay his crutches down on the floor.

           “What are you reading?” He asked and Phil held up the book. “Ugh, how can you even read that before bed?”

           “Stephen King is a mastermind!”

           Dan rolled his eyes and lay back, tapping his fingers on the sheets. His eyes were fixed up at the ceiling but his jaw was clenching repeatedly.

           “You okay?” Phil asked, trying to go for nonchalant and failing.

           “Yeah, yeah…fine,” Dan waved his hand before the intense gaze he had at the ceiling broke. “Actually no. I can feel it.”

           “What?” His brows furrowed.

           “I can literally feel my leg,” he swallowed and pressed his lips together. “I mean…it feels like I can wiggle my toes and move my ankle. I woke up and thought it was still there. Then I looked and…”

           Phil put the book away and turned to fully face Dan. “Does it hurt?”

           “Not really, it’s just weird. If I don’t look it honestly feel like these past few weeks were just all a terrible nightmare,” he pressed the palms of his hands into his eyes. “And then I look down and…surprise.”

           For a long, long moment Phil just sat there in silence. What could he possibly say to make this situation better? How could he possibly help in such a helpless situation?

           “You’re so brave Dan,” Phil whispered, finally getting Dan to make eye contact with him. “I wouldn’t be dealing with it as well as you are.”

           A faint smile quirked at Dan’s face. “I’m not. I’m in pain, I’m scared and I’m not sure what’s going to happen. It’s like an extreme version of university but you were there then and you’re here now. It means a lot that you’re here Phil. I couldn’t do this without you.”

           Phil rolled his eyes and fought back a blush. “Sure you could.”

~~*~~

**_FAIR - AmazingPhil_ **

            _Hi guys._

_Do you ever wonder what-if? What if you had not eaten that food that gave you food poisoning? What if you actually studied for that test? What if you had stepped off the curb just a few seconds earlier?_

_I almost got hit by a car and laughed it off. How is it fair that I was being stupid and texting and I’m fine? Dan was on the sidewalk and some idiot smashed into him. It isn’t fair._

_~~*~~_

           “Does it come in black?” Dan asked with a slightly crooked smile as the therapist fidgeted with his prosthetic. “Or can I get it with like flames?”

           “Let’s start small,” Daisy laughed and leaned back, handing him his crutches. “Alright, stand up.”

           Phil held his breath as Dan pushed himself to his feet. His brows creased as he tested his weight on the other leg. A wide grin stretched across Dan’s face and he let out a laugh.

           “God, it feels weird!”

           The therapist asked him to try taking a few steps and Dan wobbled slightly before dragging his prosthetic along the ground. It was ungraceful and awkward but  _Dan was walking._

           For the first time since the accident Dan grinned. It wasn’t the fake smile that he wore or the almost constant frown he seemed to have recently. It was the smile that made his dimples stand out and his eyes light up.

           One of the crutches slipped and clattered to the ground. Dan swayed terribly for a moment but Phil jumped forward and caught him. They stabilized and Dan gripped onto Phil’s forearms.

           “You okay?” Phil asked and Dan nodded.

           “It’s the strangest feeling,” he mumbled and Phil could almost see the confidence beginning to creep back into Dan. “It doesn’t feel like my leg but it’s there.”

           “Do you think you can take a few more steps?” The therapist asked, not making any mention of how the two men were still holding on to each other.

           “Don’t let go,” Dan said, glancing up at Phil who smiled reassuringly.

           “Don’t worry, I won’t,” Phil took a step back and Dan followed.

~~*~~

**_PROSTHETICS – AmazingPhil_ **

****

**** _Hi guys!_

_So I’ve done all sorts of research into prosthetics after Dan tried his on and it’s crazy! Did you know someone made a robot hand out of legos? I mean there are the usual arms and legs but there are also prosthetic nipples?_

_I guess I never really thought about it but they are just so cool! The technology is amazing and I’ve spent way too long researching this kind of stuff. Seriously, look it up._

_~~*~~_

           The scream died at his lips as he blinked awake. There wasn’t any red on the pavement and there wasn’t people screaming around them. There was just his blanket tangled around his legs and Dan’s concerned eyes.

           “You okay?” Dan asked and sat on the bed. “You were screaming, scared me half to death.”

           “I’m fine,” he gasped out, pressing a hand to his chest to feel his racing heart. “Sorry I woke you up.”

           “You’re lucky I’ve gotten pretty speedy on these things,” Dan patted the crutches next to him. “What in the world were you dreaming about? Did you watch American Horror Story before bed again?”

           “It’s nothing,” Phil ran a hand through sweaty hair. “I don’t even remember.”

           It was obvious that Dan didn’t believe him. His eyes softened and he sighed softly.

           “I’ve seen your past few videos,” he finally spoke up. “I never said thank you for keeping everyone updated. I’m…I’m not ready to make one yet.”

           “I know.”

           “But, the videos make me a little concerned as well,” Dan said slowly. “You know what happened wasn’t you fault, right? It was a freak accident and neither you or I deserve it more.”

           Ice ran through his veins and Phil shifted on the bed. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

           “I think you need to talk to someone.”

           Phil let out a short laugh but it faded when he saw how serious he was. “I’m fine. Nothing happened to me.”

           “You were there when it happened and you’re dealing with all this crap when you don’t have to,” Dan held up a hand when Phil tried to argue. “You haven’t been the same since the accident and neither have I. Your life isn’t about taking care of me, you need to take care of yourself as well.”

           He closed his eyes and nodded faintly.

           Actually setting up the appointment was harder than he thought and Phil almost walked out of the office when he stepped inside to see the muted colors and ugly fountain bubbling in the corner.

           The receptionist is sweet but all Phil wants is to go down a few floors to where Dan is at a physical therapy appointment. His legs tensed for a moment, as he was about to walk out, when his name was called.

           Natalia Keller was a lovely young woman with a kind smile. She shook his hand firmly and welcomed him into the small office, motioning to the couch. Phil sat awkwardly in silence as Natalia grabbed her notepad.

           “So Phil, tell me what has brought you here today,” Natalia smiled gently.

           “About two months ago my best friend Dan was involved in an accident and he lost his leg. He insisted I come in and talk to someone,” he shrugged slightly.

           “And you didn’t want to come in?”

           “Nothing happened to me. A car lost control and hit him and he lost his leg. I’m totally fine,” he fidgeted.

           Natalia looked at him closely. “Tell me about that day.”

           “Dan and I had left the apartment, we’re flatmates, and we were walking to go to this new fancy sandwich place for lunch. I didn’t even see the car coming so one moment he was there and then he wasn’t. I thought he was going to die,” his voice cracked.

           “But he was alright,” Natalia added.

           “Sure,” Phil pursed his lips.

           “Tell me what is going through your head.”

           Phil sucked in a deep breath through his teeth. “Dan didn’t want to go out that day but I had a coupon for the restaurant. I made him get up and go.”

           “Would you say maybe you’re feeling guilty?” Natalia pressed and Phil dropped his gaze down to his hands. “I just saw something flicker across your face. Did that thought make you sad?”

           “I made a stupid video about how I almost got hit by a car and laughed it off. I know that it isn’t my fault and that it was an accident but…but I thought he was going to die in my arms,” his voice hitched with a sob that surprised him.

           Natalia took a tissue box off the table next to her and passed him one. “You don’t have to be the one who is hurt to struggle with post traumatic stress disorder. It was a horrible, horrible situation and it caused scarring. It’s going to take time to heal.”

           “I have nightmares about it all the time,” he shivered. “And I can hardly look at him. He’s adapting well but every time I look I just see him pale and broken.”

           Natalia nodded and he wrapped his arms around his middle. “You care about him.”

           “He’s my best friend. I don’t want him in pain or struggling. We have been through so much together and I can’t stand the idea that I could have lost him,” Phil said in a long breath.

           “And do you have anyone else supporting you both?”

           “His family lives up north but they were here for the first month. It’s just us, it has always been just us,” Phil sighed and Natalia raised her eyebrows.

           “I’m about to ask you a question and mean no offense,” she raised her hands. “Have you and Dan ever been more than friends?”

           “No!” Phil barked out a laugh. “Of course not! Dan doesn’t like me that way.”

           “Okay,” Natalia nodded. “But you like Dan in that way?”

           The hesitation surprised Phil more than anything. Did he? Was the fear of losing Dan more than just losing a friend?

           “I don’t know,” he said honestly.

           The rest of the appointment passed by in a blur. Once his mind had been opened to the possibility that he could be in love it was all he could think of. Was he actually in love with Dan or was he just feeling the “hero complex” of having someone depend on him?

           His heart flipped when he saw Dan outside of his physical therapist office, standing tall on his prosthetic.

           “Hey! How was your appointment?” Dan asked, eyes worried.

           “It was great,” he smiled when Dan relaxed slightly and grinned. “Shall we get lunch?”

~~*~~

**_SERIOUS TALK – AmazingPhil_ **

_Hi guys!_

_I know I’m known for being a little goofy and silly…I mean I meow at random times and do terribly backflips off the bed while tackling stuffed lions. However, we have gotten to know each other pretty well, right? Right. I figured you deserve to know the hard stuff as well as the awkward stories of random people at Tescos._

_So, the past few videos have been relatively upbeat. I’m trying to keep a positive outlook after the accident but it is hard. I was so focused on Dan that I kind of neglected myself and that’s not okay. He convinced me to go talk to someone and it was one of the best decisions I’ve made._

_Yes, I have been seeing a therapist._

_Wow, that’s intense._

_What’s crazy was that I was ashamed of it. I thought that I had to be this person who Dan relied on because I’m his friend and nothing happened to me. Something did happen to me though. I thought my best friend was going to die and I’ve had nightmares almost since it happened._

_I mean, Dan is doing so much better and I’m so, so proud of him for how far he’s gotten but I struggled. And what I’ve decided is that it’s okay. It’s okay to struggle with hard things._

_The therapist says that I have posttraumatic stress disorder which sounds super scary. According to the internet during a traumatic event, you think that your life or others’ lives are in danger. You may feel afraid or feel that you have no control over what is happening around you. Most people have some stress-related reactions after a traumatic event; but not everyone gets PTSD. If your reactions don’t go away over time and they disrupt your life, you may have PTSD._

_Basically your brain gets stuck on a loop and you keep reliving the event over and over._

_I’m sure some of you have been through some pretty horrible things although I hope you haven’t. I really hope your lives have been all rainbows and Milky bars but I know they haven’t. I’m just saying that it’s okay to struggle. It doesn’t make you weak if you have a hard time getting over it._

_I suggest going to ptsduk.org if you think maybe you are struggling as well. I’ve also put links to other mental health sites and help lines._

_If you are struggling don’t keep suffering in silence. Love yourself and help yourself._

_Make everyday better than the one before._

_~~*~~_

As usual they were sitting on the same couch watching the third Game of Thrones episode of the night. The finished bowl of popcorn was on the floor in front of them and they were almost done with a bottle of wine.

“God, Joffrey is such a dick,” Dan mumbled.

“Right!” Phil laughed, feeling sleepy and relaxed from the wine. He shifted slightly and then his hand landed on Dan’s leg, what was left of his leg. Dan flinched back violently like he had been struck.

“Don’t,” he snapped and scooted back.

“I’m sorry!” Phil jumped back as well.

The tension and anger left Dan as quickly as it appeared and he sagged back into the cushions, tugging his hands through his hair. “I’m sorry…my prosthetic just gets achy after a bit and…”

“It’s fine! I didn’t hurt you did I?” Phil asked awkwardly.

“No, no,” his jaw tensed slightly. “It’s just embarrassing and repulsive.”

“You know I don’t care.”

Dan looked up at the ceiling. “You keep saying that but I don’t believe you. Hell, the only people who could ever find me attractive now are fucking perverts on amputee websites.”

“Dan…”

“I mean, how many people are going to unsubscribe when I come back on? I’ll just be the freak with one leg,” as he spoke his body got tenser and tenser.

“You are beautiful Dan,” he blurted and stopped Dan’s rant. “Honestly, you are the most beautiful person I know. You are kind and good and if anyone looks at you differently because of your leg then fuck them.”

Dan sat in silence for a long moment before bursting into laughter. “I can’t believe you just cursed.”

“Seriously, you don’t believe me,” Phil said softly. “How could you not believe me?”

“Come on now Phil, I wasn’t special before and the only thing that makes me special now is that I’ve lost a body part.”

It felt like someone had punched him in the gut. “You’re an idiot.”

Maybe it was the buzz he had from the wine. Maybe it was the sad, resigned look on Dan’s face. Maybe it was because he couldn’t stand the idea of Dan thinking he was broken.

He leaned forward and pressed his lips to Dan’s.

The other boy immediately went stiff and everything in Phil’s world collapsed. He jerked back and they just stared at each other.

“I’m so, so sorry,” he breathed and jumped to his feet.

“Phil wait,” Dan sat up straighter.

“No, no,” he felt his face burning and his chest ached with shame. “I’m just going to go. I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t you dare walk away when you know I can’t follow,” Dan shouted when he made it to the door. “That’s not fair Phil.”

He froze and took a few deep breaths. “Can’t we just forget it?”

“No.”

Finally, Phil turned around but didn’t meet his eyes. He knew he wasn’t being the most mature at the moment but he honestly couldn’t bring himself to talk. All he wanted was to go back in time and stop it all before he could ruin their friendship.

“Please talk to me Phil,” Dan’s voice sounded shaky. “Don’t shut down, don’t make a joke. Talk to me.”

“I’m in love with you,” it was the simplest and hardest thing he had ever said.

Dan stared up at him before blinking overly shiny eyes. “Please tell me this isn’t some…kind of hero complex is it?”

“That was my first thought too,” he let out a loud laugh but Dan didn’t even crack a smile. “But it isn’t. I think I’ve been in love with you for a long, long time.”

A tear escaped Dan’s eye and he reached up to wipe it quickly. “I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t need to say anything. I just don’t want this to ruin anything,” he sounded a little desperate to his own ears.

“It won’t,” Dan said quickly. “I promise.”

Phil fidgeted before mumbling a quick goodbye and hurrying into his room. For at least thirty minutes he paced in his room having a mini panic attack. How could he be so stupid?

A soft knock on his door made his heart drop and he considered just pretending to be asleep. Then Dan knocked again and he knew he couldn’t keep hiding.

“We need to talk,” Dan said the moment the door opened. He was wearing his prosthetic and his eyes were rimmed with red.

“I know you don’t feel the same. I don’t even know if you are into guys but…Christ I’m sorry.”

“You are my best friend Phil,” Dan said softly. “You’ve been through everything with me. You are the reason I am the person I am today and I know that my life would be worse without you in it.”

“But you don’t feel the same way,” Phil finished and Dan gave him a slightly crooked smile.

“I never said that.”

Now it was like his life had snapped back into place and it took Phil’s breath away. Dan looked less defensive and more open, a half smile on his lips.

“I meant everything I said. You are the single most beautiful, amazing person I’ve ever met,” it felt easier now.

“Weirdly enough, I believe you when you say that,” he chuckled. “I blame your stupidly trustworthy face.”

“Hey, my face is amazing.”

Dan grinned then leaned forward to kiss him. Without the panic and mental breakdown it was perfect. It was bubbles and fireworks and magic and everything Phil had heard of.

He never wanted it to stop.

~~*~~

**_NO ONE LISTENS TO ME – AmazingPhil_ **

****

**** _Hi guys!_

_So I went with Dan to get his prosthetic customized. The guy said that most prosthetics are done in skin tones which honestly is super boring. I’d want mine to be like glittery or with a popcorn machine attached to it._

_Unfortunately technology is not that advanced. If there are any scientists watching…get on that please._

_Anyway Dan got way more into it than I thought he would. This shouldn’t have surprised me because we’ve all seen how intense he gets on the Sims videos. Anyway he ended up getting one in matte black with gold stars. It looks pretty snazzy!_

_Also! Thank you for all of your lovely comments on my last video. I’m so glad that some of you felt it was helpful. I just want to say that it really helps getting these things out there. I’ve opened up with people I love and although it was scary it was worth it._

_~~*~~_

“Are you sure you want to go out?  We could always order pizza,” Phil suggested but Dan shook his head sharply, pulling on his coat.

           “The only place I’ve been in three months is the doctor. Plus, if we are going on a proper date then we need to go out,” Phil felt himself blush at that. Their relationship was still new and they were tiptoeing around each other a bit. “Also the doctor wants me walking more.”

           “Do you want to bring the wheelchair just in case?”

           “No,” Dan shook his head. “I’ve got this.”

           It was a crisp, chilly afternoon and they bumped shoulders as they made their way down the street. While Dan’s gait had improved there was still a rather obvious limp.

           He had to bit his tongue for most of the walk because he was tempted to ask Dan if he needed a break at every bench. Dan didn’t seem tired though. His eyes were bright and he was humming.

           “Oh my God!” A shriek startled both of them and they turned to see two teenage girls staring at them with wide eyes. “Dan and Phil!”

           Instantly Dan froze and he shuffled his bad leg behind his good one slightly. The two girls raced up to them with huge grins. They paused in front of them and bounced slightly.

           “We are such huge fans!” The blonde squealed. “We watch all your videos!”

           “That’s so nice,” Phil smiled and then the girls seemed to tone it down slightly.

           “And we’ve been so worried about you,” the brunette turned to look at him. “I mean, I was devastated when I’ve heard and then you were never on. How are you? Oh…is that too awkward and personal? I’m so sorry.”

           “It’s fine,” Dan smiled and the girls relaxed. “I’m doing much better. It’s been hard but I am part of the way to my dream of becoming the terminator.”

           The girls giggled and pulled out their phones. “Can we take a picture with you?”

           “Of course,” Dan grabbed Phil’s jacket and pulled him over. They posed with the girls, said their goodbyes and continued on their way.

           “Twitter is going to explode you know,” Phil said with a smile and Dan shrugged.

           “Eh, there are worse things that can happen.”

           During lunch there was a sudden influx of tweets. They paused in the middle of eating their pasta and scrolled through them together, smiling at the response to their picture.

**Kelly ~*~ - kellybird293**

_@danisnotonfire @AmazingPhil Saw Dan and Phil walking around London! Dan looked great! He’s such an inspiration!_

**Tyler Oakley – tyleroakley**

_@danisnotonfire @AmazingPhil So good to see you up and about buddy!_

_**Peej – kickthepj**_

**** _@danisnotonfire @AmazingPhil Please say you can now kick doors down! #bionicdan_

**Louise – louisepentland**

_@danisnotonfire @AmazingPhil my babies are so brave and beautiful! I’m going to invade your home soon I promise. Expect cookies._

_~~*~~_

**_JERKS ON THE TUBE – AmazingPhil_ **

****

_Hi guys!_

_So we are on the tube going to the movies and it’s packed right? Now, both Dan and I are not terribly coordinated to begin with so we usually aim for the seats. There is only one seat available and being the lovely friend I am I let Dan take a seat._

_Things go great for two stops and then the old man from hell gets on. I mean, he’s like a billion and I think he’s used up all his kindness in the first two hundred years of his life. For some reason he zeroes in on Dan which I think is because I was there and he became a crazy person magnet by proxy._

_Sorry Dan._

_Anyway this old man storms over and glares at him and says, “Are you really going to show so much disrespect?”_

_We were confused._

_Then the old man had a hissy fit. “Young man, didn’t your parents teach you to give up a seat for your elders or are you content with sitting there while I have to stand?”_

_Now I was mad. I mean like turning into the hulk mad. I have never yelled at someone in my life but this was that moment._

_However, Dan looked up at the guy and said very calmly, “I’m sorry sir but I find it difficult to balance on my prosthetic leg.”_

_The guy basically morphed into a tomato and said, “Oh…well you don’t have to be rude.”_

_And Dan just says, “I’m sorry to have offended you with my disability sir.”_

_It was amazing. It was like we were in a movie and the man slunk away in shame. The moral of the story is that being old doesn’t mean you can be a jerk! You are not cheese. You do not get to get harsher and grosser with age._

_~~*~~_

Shy touches and gentle kisses had evolved into them becoming more comfortable with each other. It took time but they were finally lying side by side on Phil’s bed as they kissed deeply.

           It was honestly the best Phil had felt in a long time. For the first time in a long time Dan was relaxing into his touch and seemed to be pushing aside nerves. His hands flickered across Phil’s sides and he moaned softly into his mouth.

           Then, reality got in the way again.

           Dan shifted slightly and his prosthetic got trapped between them. He tried to free it and then just pushed himself away and slumped back against the pillows.

           “Maybe you should take it off. You don’t look super comfortable,” Phil asked, trying to calm himself a bit.

           “No, I’m fine.”

           Phil hesitated for a moment and then placed his hand on Dan’s shoulder, rubbing it gently with his thumb. “Dan, I have told you so many times that I don’t care. I love you and I just want you to be comfortable.”

           “It’s…hard,” Dan mumbled and then blushed at Phil’s grin. “Shut it you perv. I guess I am just struggling with actually thinking you like me.”

           Phil smiled and kissed him on the forehead. “You are so smart Dan.”

           Then he moved to press a kiss to his lips. “You are hilarious and always know the right thing to say.”

           He pressed a kiss to his neck and Dan shivered. “And you are so intense in everything you do.”

           Phil paused and looked up at him as his hands played with the hem of his shirt. When Dan nodded he carefully pulled it over his head. He spread a hand over Dan’s chest and slid it down to his stomach before kissing him over the heart. “And you care so much about other people. You are such a loving person.”

           Now they were getting into touchy territory.

           “Phil,” Dan’s voice came out a little whiny.

           “Can I?” Phil asked and played with the waistband of his pants. When Dan nodded shakily he started pulling them off. The moment his leg was exposed Dan squirmed.

           “You’re staring,” Dan grumbled.

           “I have a confession,” Phil whispered and kept his eyes on the little gold stars on the prosthetic. “I couldn’t look at you for the longest time because I would just remember how scared I was after the accident. I thought you were going to die in my arms and there was nothing I could do.”

           “Phil…”

           “But now I can’t keep my eyes off of you,” Phil smiled down at him. “I see how brave and strong you are. Believe me when I say that I think you are stunning. I am so proud of everything you have accomplished and I want to be there with you as you keep getting stronger than ever before.”

           Dan grabbed the back of his head and pulled him down for a deep kiss. Phil could feel the wetness of tears but ignored them as Dan clung to him.

           Their hands began running along each other and Dan went stiff when his hand brushed the top of his prosthetic. There was a moment where they both froze before Dan nodded.

           “You sure?”

           “I trust you.”

           He still flinched when Phil gently took off the prosthetic and placed it on the floor. Again they paused again and Dan pushed himself up onto his elbows. They kissed softly until Phil broke apart and pressed his forehead against Dan’s.

           “Thank you,” Dan whispered. “Thank you for loving me.”

           “Believe me, it wasn’t exactly a hardship.”

~~*~~

**_Tell Someone You Love Them – danisnotonfire_ **

****

**** _Hello internet!_

_Wow, it’s been forever since I last chatted with you! Thank you to everyone who has just shown an amazing amount of support. Honestly, it’s gotten me through some hard times._

_Let me tell you that losing a leg is hard. Obviously, right? It wasn’t just learning how to walk again or the pain. It was the struggle of seeing myself as a different person. I mean, I hadn’t changed but I did. I had to accept the fact that my life is going to different. I have an identity as a person with a disability and you know, that’s fine. I was embarrassed at first but after going to some support groups and whatnot I feel like I’m in this weird form of a club. People are amazing. Their stories are amazing and seeing people go through the same struggle makes me almost proud. I’ve survived something horrible and I made it. Not only that but I have a platform where I can make a difference._

_Now, I’m not going to stop making my usual videos but they might have a little bit of a different feel. If there are people out there who are having a hard time dealing with a hardship I want them to see that there is a better tomorrow._

_So here are my tips for going through the worst experience of your life._

_One, realize that the worst will pass. Right after the accident I was in pain and honestly felt like the entire world was ending. I didn’t think anything would ever get better but it does. The thing that happens to you does not define you but how you react to it does._

_Two, it’s okay to get help. You don’t have to deal with everything on your own. Talk to a friend, family member, doctor or therapist. You matter and you deserve to heal._

_And three, tell someone you love them. It took a near death experience for me to realize how much I cared about someone. Don’t sit around and be scared about sharing your feelings for someone because you never know what could happen. You realize that someone loves you and they have been with you through the lowest part of your life._

_So, this whole experience has changed me a lot. I’m going to get out there and start making my videos again. Expect lots of videos and hopefully some collabs soon! Don’t expect the sexy end screen dance though…at least not until I get my dancing prosthetic._

_Go out there and tell someone you love them because you’ve probably been awkwardly dancing around each other for years. It shouldn’t take nearly dying to do it but…if it works it works._


End file.
